Almost normal

There have been a lot of changes I’ve initiated in my life lately. It still surprises me to look back to where I was and see where I am today. I’ve never been considered a “normal” person in those aspects that can be measured across the human perspective.

I remember in the first grade the teacher asked us whether we thought it was better to have lots of acquaintances or one to two really close friends. I’m not going to tell you how I answered, but it was definitely not normal for that group. That wasn’t the last time I was confronted with being abnormal. The President’s Fitness challenge in grade school was a yearly reminder that I was not typical. I couldn’t do all of the things that Jimmy Carter and Ronald Regan said I should be able to do. I didn’t weigh what the surgeon general said I should weigh. As I became an adult and entered college I learned that my political and religious beliefs were vastly different from my classmates. Even now I’m learning that my moral beliefs in the world of dating are abnormal for the times, which is probably why I keep going out on dates with men who tend to disappear after the second or third date when I put my foot down and refuse to go beyond a simple kiss. It might be just me, but I’d like to know someone before I sleep with them. Apparently in this world that is an oddity.

I eventually came to accept that and even celebrate my differences. I made myself accept that even those differences that were not healthy were just a part of who I am. The good and the bad abnormalities made up the entire package that is me.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday my trainer and I did the usual weigh and measure thing. The process is more than just how much do I weigh this week, its how many inches I’ve lost and what my fat percentage is.

I HATE those days. I work my tail off every day, dripping sweat and watching others outrun me easily. I never give up but the numbers never show what I feel myself doing every day.

Yesterday there was one number that finally shocked me into realizing what I was actually doing.  The weight and inches were all down a little, but I still didn’t think they truly reflected the effort I was putting into the process. The third number, however, really surprised me.

Yesterday the numbers showed that I am within .8% body fat of being in a range that is considered “normal” for the first time that I can remember.

I think I covered up the fact that I was about to start bawling pretty well. I think crying in the gym would have just made people feel uncomfortable, including my trainer. And, really, how do you explain to someone who has probably never known what it is like to not be like everyone else, what it feels like to be finally considered within a normal range?

That is when it finally dawned on me that THIS is what the Breadbox is all about. It’s about sharing my struggles to become the person I want to be and discovering who I can be. Maybe, somewhere out there is someone else who is going through their own struggles.

Maybe by sharing the journey that I am on I can help someone else experience the feeling that I felt yesterday when Brandon pointed to a chart that said “normal” and said “here is where you are today.” I just wish I could describe that feeling to you all. I wish I could find words to tell Brandon how thankful I am for his persistence and for not giving up on me, even when I was a bitch.

I can accept that there are parts of who I am that I will never change in order to be “normal.” I will not change my core beliefs, I will not compromise my morals just to get a third date, I will not and cannot change what is in my heart to be more like everyone else.

But there are some things I can change, and must change. There are parts of me, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that I need to balance out and make more “normal” so I can live a long and healthy life. That is the journey I am on now. That is the journey I am trying to share with you all. It is a very personal journey, but it is one that I hope, by sharing, can help others to find their way through this maze.