(Be patient, this will make sense in the end.)
What an interesting journey this is. Yes, I’m talking about the trip that is life in general. Some days I can’t help but wonder where I would be now, who I would be now, if I had made different decisions in my life. If I had stayed in Washington DC, if I had finished college the first time, if I had said “yes” instead of “no” or vice versa at various points in my life. It’s easy to look back and see all of the mistakes that you’ve made in life, what is hard to see is how you have grown and changed because of those mistakes. To look at yourself in the mirror and see what you have become.
Take relationships, for instance. I am the first one to admit that I am “relationship challenged.” For example some of my readers may remember Scott. I’m sure my family still wonders where my head was at when I made that particular choice. I wish I knew the answer to that one myself so I could avoid getting into a similar situation. It was not a good time for anyone involved. Being with Scott was unhealthy for me, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Yes, I can admit that now. I think back to what I saw as acceptable at the time, to the behavior that I was willing to excuse away and I wonder who that person was. It certainly couldn’t have been me. The person I am now would NEVER allow herself to be treated that way. I don't recall looking in the mirror much during that time in my life and I don't wonder why.
The question is, though, am I the person I am now BECAUSE I went through that? Would I be a weaker person without that memory?
I’ve been doing a lot of self analyzing lately, looking back on my past trying to figure out why I do the things I do. Don’t worry, this isn’t some sort of weird mid-life crisis or anything. I’m not nearly old enough for that. I think it ties in directly with my desire to be healthy and break this addiction to food that has sabotaged my past efforts. I know that if I don’t get to the heart of why I turn to food rather than deal with whatever needs to be dealt with I will never succeed no matter what diet and exercise plan I am on.
Food is an addiction, the research time and again has proven it. I eat when I’m sad, to make myself feel something other than the emotion. I eat when I’m angry because I would rather hurt myself than take out my anger on others. I eat for a variety of reasons, but almost never for the one reason a person SHOULD eat – to fuel my body so I can do the things I want to do. I don’t physically need ice cream and pizza, I don’t feel any physical symptoms when I go without for weeks on end. I mentally and emotionally CRAVE those items, though, and that tells me something significant about what I am dealing with.
I wish it were easy to put into words. I wish I could just look back on my childhood and say “that there – that is the cause.” But there is no one point, no one single significant event (that I can remember anyway) that I can point to as the culprit for the battle I am still dealing with today. I think it is a conglomeration of things; words that were said, actions that were taken, people that came into and out of my life, which made me who and what I am today.
That’s not necessarily all bad. Yes, I have an addiction to food that I must overcome. But the same experiences that helped contribute to that addiction have also helped me to understand people better and be a better, more understanding person in return. Knowing how it feels to live through the difficult times, I think has allowed me to be more aware of how my actions affect others. I’ve learned from each and every experience, both good and bad, and I try to keep those lessons in front of me to as I interact with others. I don’t always succeed. I know that I have hurt people, been insensitive, said things that shouldn’t have been said and done things that hurt others. I know that I am at least trying to be kind and understanding to those around me, and give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t return the favor.
I just need to learn to do the same for myself. I need to be unafraid to look in a mirror once in a while and see myself, who I really am, instead of refusing to look at all out of fear that what I see won’t be what I want to see.
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