Difficult learning

I was talking to a friend today about a series of difficulties he was experiencing recently. I reminded him that everything happens for a good reason if you choose to learn from them. He wasn’t thrilled to hear that, he was very focused on being bummed about everything. I really think it’s true, however, and I hope that soon he will be able to look past the immediate hurt and anger to see.

 I can look back on difficult situations in my life and I realize that dealing with those situations has made me stronger and brought me to where I am today. If it weren’t for those difficult situations and the things that I’ve learned from them I might have made different decisions that may have led me down a different road. There is no telling what may have been on that road or where it would have led me.  It’s like being stuck behind a slow person on a freeway, only to discover that if you had been going the speed limit you would have been at an accident scene at the moment it happened, and possibly been in that accident yourself. It’s hard to see while you are choking on exhaust fumes that this is actually healthier for you than going the speed limit with no one in front of you.

We all have tough times to deal with, whether they are financial, emotional, or mental. Health problems lead us to take better care of ourselves and our loved ones. Relationships sometimes have to end to allow you to find the person you are really supposed to be with. Financial struggles teach us to appreciate the things we do have. Even something as simple as your landlord getting divorced can lead to something better that you might not have stumbled across without that incentive. That last one I can definitely speak from experience on.

I’m not saying we should always welcome the tough times. But when those times are thrust upon us we can make the best of them, learn from them, and move on to something bigger and better. I don’t think I communicated that very well to him. I think he is smart enough to figure it out on his own, though. At least I hope so.

Almost normal

There have been a lot of changes I’ve initiated in my life lately. It still surprises me to look back to where I was and see where I am today. I’ve never been considered a “normal” person in those aspects that can be measured across the human perspective.

I remember in the first grade the teacher asked us whether we thought it was better to have lots of acquaintances or one to two really close friends. I’m not going to tell you how I answered, but it was definitely not normal for that group. That wasn’t the last time I was confronted with being abnormal. The President’s Fitness challenge in grade school was a yearly reminder that I was not typical. I couldn’t do all of the things that Jimmy Carter and Ronald Regan said I should be able to do. I didn’t weigh what the surgeon general said I should weigh. As I became an adult and entered college I learned that my political and religious beliefs were vastly different from my classmates. Even now I’m learning that my moral beliefs in the world of dating are abnormal for the times, which is probably why I keep going out on dates with men who tend to disappear after the second or third date when I put my foot down and refuse to go beyond a simple kiss. It might be just me, but I’d like to know someone before I sleep with them. Apparently in this world that is an oddity.

I eventually came to accept that and even celebrate my differences. I made myself accept that even those differences that were not healthy were just a part of who I am. The good and the bad abnormalities made up the entire package that is me.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday my trainer and I did the usual weigh and measure thing. The process is more than just how much do I weigh this week, its how many inches I’ve lost and what my fat percentage is.

I HATE those days. I work my tail off every day, dripping sweat and watching others outrun me easily. I never give up but the numbers never show what I feel myself doing every day.

Yesterday there was one number that finally shocked me into realizing what I was actually doing.  The weight and inches were all down a little, but I still didn’t think they truly reflected the effort I was putting into the process. The third number, however, really surprised me.

Yesterday the numbers showed that I am within .8% body fat of being in a range that is considered “normal” for the first time that I can remember.

I think I covered up the fact that I was about to start bawling pretty well. I think crying in the gym would have just made people feel uncomfortable, including my trainer. And, really, how do you explain to someone who has probably never known what it is like to not be like everyone else, what it feels like to be finally considered within a normal range?

That is when it finally dawned on me that THIS is what the Breadbox is all about. It’s about sharing my struggles to become the person I want to be and discovering who I can be. Maybe, somewhere out there is someone else who is going through their own struggles.

Maybe by sharing the journey that I am on I can help someone else experience the feeling that I felt yesterday when Brandon pointed to a chart that said “normal” and said “here is where you are today.” I just wish I could describe that feeling to you all. I wish I could find words to tell Brandon how thankful I am for his persistence and for not giving up on me, even when I was a bitch.

I can accept that there are parts of who I am that I will never change in order to be “normal.” I will not change my core beliefs, I will not compromise my morals just to get a third date, I will not and cannot change what is in my heart to be more like everyone else.

But there are some things I can change, and must change. There are parts of me, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that I need to balance out and make more “normal” so I can live a long and healthy life. That is the journey I am on now. That is the journey I am trying to share with you all. It is a very personal journey, but it is one that I hope, by sharing, can help others to find their way through this maze.

Why do I hate mirrors?

New word for today - Eisoptrophobia, defined as an abnormal and persistent fear of mirrors. Sufferers experience undue anxiety even though they realize their fear is irrational. 

(Be patient, this will make sense in the end.)

What an interesting journey this is. Yes, I’m talking about the trip that is life in general. Some days I can’t help but wonder where I would be now, who I would be now, if I had made different decisions in my life. If I had stayed in Washington DC, if I had finished college the first time, if I had said “yes” instead of “no” or vice versa at various points in my life. It’s easy to look back and see all of the mistakes that you’ve made in life, what is hard to see is how you have grown and changed because of those mistakes. To look at yourself in the mirror and see what you have become.

Take relationships, for instance. I am the first one to admit that I am “relationship challenged.” For example some of my readers may remember Scott. I’m sure my family still wonders where my head was at when I made that particular choice. I wish I knew the answer to that one myself so I could avoid getting into a similar situation. It was not a good time for anyone involved. Being with Scott was unhealthy for me, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Yes, I can admit that now. I think back to what I saw as acceptable at the time, to the behavior that I was willing to excuse away and I wonder who that person was. It certainly couldn’t have been me. The person I am now would NEVER allow herself to be treated that way. I don't recall looking in the mirror much during that time in my life and I don't wonder why.

The question is, though, am I the person I am now BECAUSE I went through that? Would I be a weaker person without that memory?

I’ve been doing a lot of self analyzing lately, looking back on my past trying to figure out why I do the things I do.  Don’t worry, this isn’t some sort of weird mid-life crisis or anything. I’m not nearly old enough for that. I think it ties in directly with my desire to be healthy and break this addiction to food that has sabotaged my past efforts. I know that if I don’t get to the heart of why I turn to food rather than deal with whatever needs to be dealt with I will never succeed no matter what diet and exercise plan I am on.

Food is an addiction, the research time and again has proven it. I eat when I’m sad, to make myself feel something other than the emotion. I eat when I’m angry because I would rather hurt myself than take out my anger on others. I eat for a variety of reasons, but almost never for the one reason a person SHOULD eat – to fuel my body so I can do the things I want to do. I don’t physically need ice cream and pizza, I don’t feel any physical symptoms when I go without for weeks on end. I mentally and emotionally CRAVE those items, though, and that tells me something significant about what I am dealing with.

I wish it were easy to put into words. I wish I could just look back on my childhood and say “that there – that is the cause.” But there is no one point, no one single significant event (that I can remember anyway) that I can point to as the culprit for the battle I am still dealing with today. I think it is a conglomeration of things; words that were said, actions that were taken, people that came into and out of my life, which made me who and what I am today.

That’s not necessarily all bad. Yes, I have an addiction to food that I must overcome. But the same experiences that helped contribute to that addiction have also helped me to understand people better and be a better, more understanding person in return. Knowing how it feels to live through the difficult times, I think has allowed me to be more aware of how my actions affect others. I’ve learned from each and every experience, both good and bad, and I try to keep those lessons in front of me to as I interact with others. I don’t always succeed. I know that I have hurt people, been insensitive, said things that shouldn’t have been said and done things that hurt others. I know that I am at least trying to be kind and understanding to those around me, and give them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t return the favor.

I just need to learn to do the same for myself. I need to be unafraid to look in a mirror once in a while and see myself, who I really am, instead of refusing to look at all out of fear that what I see won’t be what I want to see.  

Patience (Not the Guns & Roses Song)

Patience – The quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

Why the definition of patience today? Because it is something I need to learn and practice.

I’ll admit I’ve had things pretty easy in life. In school all I had to do was the bare minimum to get good grades. Learning was easy and required really nothing more than reading, doing once, and absorbing a concept. It wasn’t that hard and I didn’t really have to put much effort into it.

Patience is something that is harder to learn. There is no book to read or exercises to practice to help me learn this concept. When I decide I want something I want it now. Waiting is not my strong point and I get frustrated when I don’t learn something right away. Don’t get me wrong, I’m Basset Hound stubborn and I won’t ever give up, but I think that frustration makes it more difficult for me to pick up on something that I don’t get the first time.

Hence, patience is the word of the day. It’s something I need to learn and practice.

I’m surrounded by a lot of patient people. At work, at home, at school, at the gym. Those are the people I need to learn from.  I admire them their ability to keep their frustration in check, their knowledge about when to keep going and when to sit back and wait, their ability to trust that what they want will eventually come.

So if you see me watching you, know that I am not trying to stare in a creepy way. I’m trying to learn patience and your example is the best way I know how.

Random ramblings from the Breadbox

Well, once again it is Friday and I sit here pondering the week gone by. It has been an interesting week here in the Breadbox, with strange highs and even stranger lows. I learned a lot of new things both internal and external, but that is nothing new. A week that goes by without learning something is a week spent in a coma. Recognizing those learning opportunities can be a learning experience in itself.

Just what did I learn this week?

• ·         Mother nature doesn’t care about your plans to hike Tablerock on Sunday. If she wants to pour down rain, she is going to pour down rain and no amount of bitching is going to change that.

• ·         Eating an entire pizza by yourself in one weekend WILL give you a stomach ache.

• ·         I learned that most people are nice and won’t bite if you talk to them.

• ·         I learned how to add text to an image in an A.I. file and how to convert that file to a PDF and JPEG for use in other programs.

• ·         Sometimes dogs snore just as bad as ex-husbands, but throwing a pillow at a dog works much better than at the ex.

• ·         I learned a lesson in perseverance, we may talk more on that subject later.

• ·         Bear crawls are a lot harder than they look and they look pretty damn funny.

• ·         First dates will not happen during hunting season no matter how well you get along during the rest of the year.

• ·         Sometimes the things that hurt the most at the moment are the things that are best for us in the long run.

There were more, I’m sure, but I’m at the end of a good book right now and it is calling me away from my writing. I do need to make sure I finish it soon since NaNoWriMo is coming up in a little over a week and finding  time to write 2500 words a day in between work, school, and a slowly blooming social life is going to be difficult enough without the end of a good book distracting my attention.

What I am working on for this year is very different from anything else I’ve ever written. I’m not even sure, myself where it is going to go. As usual I just have a rough idea of the plot and a series of characters who try to keep me up at night guessing how they may handle certain situations that I think they are going to encounter.  Actually, it has been really hard to not start writing this one until November 1^st but I’m trying to play by the rules. If you don’t know what NaNoWriMo is, Google it, you might find it interesting. If you are participating in it this year let me know and we can connect over there. I’d love to read what you all are working on and get your thoughts on the whole process.

I guess it is time to wrap up this little ramble. Reading back through it I can’t really find any central theme tonight which tells me I’m probably too tired to focus on any one specific topic with any degree of insight or intelligence.

So for now, my friend, all of us here at the Breadbox wish you sweet dreams and a good night.