Laughter and tears

I’m always marveling at the flexibility of the human heart. I’m not talking about the organ that pumps blood through the body, but the ability for us to love. We have our hearts broken time and again yet somehow we always find a new source of love within us. Even in our grief of a broken heart we have the ability to smile and laugh and eventually we realize that what was broken is whole again, with a slight scar to remind us of the price of love.

It’s hard to remember, in the midst of sadness and grief, that we can heal and there will be happy times again. When tragedy strikes the future seems empty and all we have left are our memories. But what are memories but a reminder of what was once the future? Someday the tragedy we are dealing with today will be only a memory. There will be smiles again. There will be laughter again. There will be happiness again.

I’m writing this tonight as I deal with the death of my beloved dog, Daphne. At the same time I’m watching my baby boy, Fred chewing on his own ear. Tears and laughter at the same time. I mourn the loss of my little girl and smile at the antics of my little boy. It is this mixture of emotions tonight that inspired me to think and write about the ability of the human heart to love, be broken, heal, and love again.

My heart aches for Daphne, and takes joy in Fred.

Broken, yet healing, and someday to love again.

Amazing, isn’t it?

Outrunning Invisibility

I’ve started running again. It seems I do that when things start getting chaotic in my life. I’ve found that when I run I don’t need to worry about being invisible. I can’t see you looking through me when my eyes are focused on the road ahead. I can’t hear you laughing at me with the wind in my ears. I can feel the blood flowing through my body, telling me I’m alive in spite of what you may think. I can feel the ground beneath my feet and the wind in my hair and that tells me I am really here. When I run it doesn’t matter to me that you would rather have the shinny toy that is tarnished and rusted inside.  When I run, the memory of your betrayal fades with every mile I leave behind.

When I run, stay out of my way because you are the invisible one and I am the one laughing. When I run I am alive, shinny and bright inside and out. When I run my world is my own and you have no place in it. When I run I leave you far behind.

When I run I can see the future bright and beautiful laid out before me and I feel strong enough to keep running until I reach that bright and beautiful land. When I run you don’t matter at all.

When I run the only thing that matters is me.

Happiness Earned

There’s a wide variety of topics that have crossed my mind to blog about lately, from age, to relationships, to the various motivations behind people’s actions. A lot has been happening lately that is worth discussion but it all seems so depressing when I start writing about it. Life is challenging from time to time and people don’t always do the right thing, but that isn’t any reason to get down.

I’ve always believed in my mind that it doesn’t matter what people think of me, as long as I like who I am. But what your mind knows and what your heart feels can sometimes be very different from one another. You hear words spoken in what might be a joke that strike too close to your true feelings and those words aren’t so funny anymore. You see the heartless and just plain mean actions of thoughtless people and you take it to heart and let it affect your mood. Sometimes it’s hard to get your heart and your mind to communicate with one another.

My mind knows who I am, my heart (like many other people) sometimes has doubts. But I digress from my original thought process. Yes, life is challenging and yes, some people are just mean or evil, but that is no reason to let it affect your mood or your faith in yourself. It can be hard, sometimes, to keep your spirits up when all around you seems to be working against you. If you can overcome it, however, you might find that the happiness you experience is that much sweeter. Anything earned is much more appreciated than something given to you. That is true of anything, an education, a paycheck, and especially happiness.

The hero in my life

Mother’s Day is coming up, did you know that? I remembered this year and sent flowers to Grandma. I found a great present for Mom that won’t arrive in time but I know she’ll like it. There is one mom in my life, though, that is really special and I never know what to get her. If any of my readers has an idea please pass it along.

The mom I’m talking about is my hero, she brought two miracles into the world. She’s soft enough to cuddle them when they are sick or hurt, yet strong enough to deal with the worst life has to throw at her with her head held high. She can be goofy, singing and dancing on the front porch in her bathrobe while her kids head off to school with their friends. She’s a natural leader and people love to follow her. She’s got a tough side that she shows to the world, but there’s also an emotional and vulnerable side that I’ve seen when she didn’t realize anyone was watching.

She’s always there when I need her. She spent several hours on the phone with me about 20 years ago talking me through a tough decision, this was back in the days when we had to PAY for long distance and we were on opposite sides of the country. When I finally decided to chop my long hair off in the 90’s she was right there with her scissors. When my Dad died she at my side in moments even though I work on the opposite side of town from where she lives.  (Yeah, she’ll say that was just coincidence that she was out shopping on my end of town that day, but she was still there for me.) When I picked up a bully or two in Junior High school she was my defender, and NOBODY messed with her when she got mad. She taught me so many things, from curling my hair and putting on makeup, to how to handle eight energetic 8 year olds on a soccer team.

If you haven’t figured it out by now my hero is my sister, Beth. We may not be the storybook sisters who dress alike and stay up late giggling over boyfriends and discussing the latest movies, but she’s the best damn sister I could ever ask for. I don’t get to tell her how much she means to me very often. It seems like life always gets in the way and it’s never the right time. She’s the best at everything she does, including being a sister, and I love her. I hope she knows that.

With Mother’s Day coming up I got to thinking about all of the mother figures in my life and she’s right up there with the best of them. Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

Not So Obvious

First things first – I am NOT going to be blogging today about the obvious topic. For one thing, I think it has been covered from every angle, some that shouldn’t be covered. For another thing, I have been called many names today, from a misguided false Christian to a sadistic hater who can take joy in someone's death. I’m done arguing about how I should feel compared to how you feel. You have your thoughts and feelings and I have mine. End of discussion.

That being said – the topic today is what a wonderful place my hometown is!

It’s easy, when you live in a town for most of your life, to stop seeing the little things that make it what it is. Sometimes you need the help of a good friend from out of town to remind you of how lucky you are. I had that opportunity this last week when the other half of my brain visited from Seattle. Boise may not have the benefits of the big city, but we have a lot of things that are worthwhile. This isn’t really a “travel” blog so I’m not going to go into detail. If you want to see what makes this city a great place to live you’ll just have to come here and see. I’ll gladly play tour guide again to places like:

The Old Idaho State Penitentiary - http://history.idaho.gov/oldpen.html

The Idaho Botanical Gardens - http://www.idahobotanicalgarden.org/

The Record Exchange - http://therecordexchange.com/location

Bronco Stadium - http://www.broncosports.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=9900&ATCLID=530470

Idaho Statehouse - http://www.capitolcommission.idaho.gov/

Snake River Birds of Prey - http://www.blm.gov/id/st/en/prog/blm_special_areas/birds_of_prey_nca.html

And many, many more.

On a more personal note I am amazed at the ability for people to be blind to what is directly in front of them(myself included). How many times have we driven past something little, but amazing, without seeing it because it has always been there? Would we notice if it was gone? If we don’t notice it does that mean it’s really not that important? I guess these are questions that everyone asks themselves but no one really has an answer to.  I’d be interested in hearing what others think of this and how people take steps to open their eyes to the beauty around them.