Doors & Windows

Sometimes a door closes on a part of your life that you treasure and you feel lost. You wonder what you will do now, how to fill that hole that was once such a big part of you.  We’ve all been through it in some way or another.

At the time all we have are questions. Questions like, what will I do now? How can I go on without this one thing or this one person?

What we don’t realize is that once we get past the grief and look clearly at life we can find an entire new path that we would never have seen before. That one thing that you don’t feel you can live without may be the one thing that is holding you back from reaching your full potential. 

Who you are is more than just the here and now. Who you are, is also who you can be and who you can be is all dependent upon what you are willing to try.

So what are you willing to try today?

Sometimes things hurt...and it is okay!

This blog has really become about my growth internally as well as the external changes in my life. I took another step this weekend in this journey. It was a step that was really hard for me to take because it involved hurting another person.

Just seeing it written out like that gives me mixed feelings. I don’t like hurting people. In fact I usually will end up getting hurt myself rather than do something that is good for me but might cause others grief. But a good friend last night said it best. I have to stop being a doormat. If I am ever going to become the person I want to be I have to stop letting people walk all over me.

The person I hurt last night started out with the best of intentions. My work with him was a very positive thing that left me feeling good about the changes I was making. Recently, though, his life changed and those changes affected how he treated me. I tried to work through them; I tried to do whatever it took to make him happy, even though it didn’t feel good or right to me.

Those of you who have known me for a while can see my MO in this. This is the way I have always behaved. Look at two of the more serious relationships in my life and you’ll see the pattern. And that is exactly what I did this week that led me to make the choice I made. I did everything for Scott to help him overcome his problems and become a successful artist. That ended badly and I was the one who got hurt from it. I changed my entire lifestyle and adjusted my dreams to fit what Kevin wanted and needed. That ended the same way. I don’t blame those two for how things ended up, it was my choices that brought about the results.

Granted the relationship I ended this weekend was not on par with those two examples. I was not dating this man or even very close friends with him; but I cared for him and respected him and I saw the pattern beginning to repeat itself in me. I wanted to run a 10K race this weekend, but I couldn’t because I had adjusted my goals and my training routine to fit what he needed to further his career. I’ve been shifting my evening schedule around, inconveniencing my mother, and ignoring poor Fred so I could meet the schedule he wanted to set. I’ve let his behavior affect my emotions.

I’ve hurt myself to make him happy.

He didn’t appreciate or even recognize what was happening. I’m lucky I did in time. I hate that I hurt him. I’m really disappointed in how he reacted to it; but in the end I have to take care of myself and do what is right for me before I can help anyone else.

It’s taken me nearly 41 years to realize this, that my first priority should be me.

And that is not selfish, arrogant, rude, or irrational.

I know now that it is okay for me to do what is right for me. It’s okay for me to like myself even if others don’t. Its okay for me to remove negative aspects of my life so I can continue to grow in a positive way. Sometimes that means cutting people out of my life and they may be hurt by it because I am not doing what they want me to do for them. But those people shouldn’t matter. The only people I should worry about hurting are the ones who worry about hurting me. The only people I should care about are the ones who care about me.

The only people I should love are those who love me.

Easier said than done, but that is what I plan on doing from now on.

And it is okay!

Self Compassion & our internal dialogue

So my last post here was pretty down. Yes, even I the Eternal Optimist, get down from time to time. This down mood was a result of one thing piling up upon another until I reached a proverbial breaking point. It’s happened before and there are times when I wonder if this one will be the final straw. But then I remember that God never gives us more than we can handle. When we think we are at the breaking point it’s not because it is too much, it’s because we don’t realize how strong we actually are. Even with everything that has been going on lately I still manage to get up in the morning and live my life the best way I know how. As long as I can do that I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me.

What really bothered me, though, was not the blow up itself, but the extended mood that seemed to stretch through the weekend and even tried to taint this week. There really was no reason for it. The issues that stressed me out last week were done and gone. Worrying over them, getting stressed out because of them, was doing nothing but ruining a perfectly good day. Last night I complained to my mom about how long this mood was hanging on and she said something very profound. She asked me “Well, Heather, what have you been telling yourself?”

What had I been telling myself? I’d been reminding myself of how mad I was at the situation, dredging up memories that only served to remind me of times when I felt worthless and invisible. Basically I spent the last three days telling myself to be down and reminding myself of all of the reasons why I should stay there.

Did it help?

No.

Did it solve anything?

No.

Did it make me feel any better?

No.

The words we use internally when we talk to ourselves can have just as much, if not more, of an impact on our self-confidence as the words others use. When my trainer, jokingly, tells me I am “a bit uncoordinated” it makes me laugh, but it also makes me that much more determined to change that problem. When I tell myself that I am a klutz it carries a lot more weight and can cause me to give up the fight. After all, who knows me better than me? If I think I am a klutz then I must really be one. Why bother fighting it?

So starting today I am going to try to be much more aware of the words I use when I talk to myself. I’m not going to call myself a “fat old lady” or berate myself when I trip over one of Fred’s toys in the night.

I am not going to call myself “stupid” when I get a less than perfect grade in class and I’m going to actually look at myself in the mirror and find the good things instead of seeing every little flaw. We all have flaws and there are plenty of people out there who are more than willing to point them out to us. I don’t need to do it to myself.

Lastly I am going to forgive myself when I’m not as fast or as strong as the rest of the girls in my exercise class. Maybe I can’t sprint the stairs like Hollie or do as many pushups as Brittany, but that doesn’t mean I should beat up on myself. It just means I have to try a little harder and get stronger at my own pace. As long as I don’t give up and believe in myself that is what ultimately counts.

People talk a lot around this time of year about finding Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men. Maybe we should all start with finding peace within ourselves and treating ourselves with kindness and respect.

Even the strong get tired.

There are days when I get tired. 

I get tired of fighting, tired of the struggle, tired of looking in from the outside and knowing the door is closed to me.   

I try, very hard, to stay positive, to look at life’s challenges as a way to grow. But this week those challenges seem to be too much, more than I feel is right for me to have to deal with. I’m not going to go into detail about everything that has happened. It doesn’t matter really, what was overwhelming to me might seem like child’s play to someone else. Life’s challenges are different for us all.

Our ability to cope changes based on just how much weight we carry on our shoulders from day to day. The little things that mean nothing on any normal day could be (and was this week) the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

I’m tired today and struggling to find a reason behind all of this. Why do I fight, every day, to take care of those I love, to undo the damage I have done to my body over the years? Why do I fight to learn and grow? What is the purpose and where is this all taking me?

I try with this blog to find ways to provide positive answers both for myself and for those who might be fighting the same battles I am.  But I have to admit that I don’t have the answers tonight. Sometimes when I write, when I let my mind wander and feel my fingers dance over the keyboard I find that the answers I thought were so elusive were there all along, hidden by the clutter of other thoughts and other worries. Somehow I am not confident that I’ll find the answers that easily this time.

Tonight I am tired. Tired of the fight, tired of not knowing the answers. Tired of being afraid and feeling alone in a world where everyone seems to have someone.

Tired or not, however, I know I cannot stop fighting. Until I know what this is all about I will never give up no matter how many obstacles are placed in front of me. Until I find out what it is I am looking for and find a way to achieve my dreams, I will not stop. I will keep pushing through the murk and gloom until I find that light.

I may be tired but I am also stubborn and I do not know the meaning of the word “surrender.”

But for now I am setting aside the fight, exchanging it for dreams where anything is possible and people are as good as I believe them to be.  Those dreams restore my soul and give me back the strength that I am lacking tonight.

When I wake in the morning I hope I will be strong again and ready to start the fight all over.