Even the strong get tired.

There are days when I get tired. 

I get tired of fighting, tired of the struggle, tired of looking in from the outside and knowing the door is closed to me.   

I try, very hard, to stay positive, to look at life’s challenges as a way to grow. But this week those challenges seem to be too much, more than I feel is right for me to have to deal with. I’m not going to go into detail about everything that has happened. It doesn’t matter really, what was overwhelming to me might seem like child’s play to someone else. Life’s challenges are different for us all.

Our ability to cope changes based on just how much weight we carry on our shoulders from day to day. The little things that mean nothing on any normal day could be (and was this week) the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

I’m tired today and struggling to find a reason behind all of this. Why do I fight, every day, to take care of those I love, to undo the damage I have done to my body over the years? Why do I fight to learn and grow? What is the purpose and where is this all taking me?

I try with this blog to find ways to provide positive answers both for myself and for those who might be fighting the same battles I am.  But I have to admit that I don’t have the answers tonight. Sometimes when I write, when I let my mind wander and feel my fingers dance over the keyboard I find that the answers I thought were so elusive were there all along, hidden by the clutter of other thoughts and other worries. Somehow I am not confident that I’ll find the answers that easily this time.

Tonight I am tired. Tired of the fight, tired of not knowing the answers. Tired of being afraid and feeling alone in a world where everyone seems to have someone.

Tired or not, however, I know I cannot stop fighting. Until I know what this is all about I will never give up no matter how many obstacles are placed in front of me. Until I find out what it is I am looking for and find a way to achieve my dreams, I will not stop. I will keep pushing through the murk and gloom until I find that light.

I may be tired but I am also stubborn and I do not know the meaning of the word “surrender.”

But for now I am setting aside the fight, exchanging it for dreams where anything is possible and people are as good as I believe them to be.  Those dreams restore my soul and give me back the strength that I am lacking tonight.

When I wake in the morning I hope I will be strong again and ready to start the fight all over.