So my last post here was pretty down. Yes, even I the Eternal Optimist, get down from time to time. This down mood was a result of one thing piling up upon another until I reached a proverbial breaking point. It’s happened before and there are times when I wonder if this one will be the final straw. But then I remember that God never gives us more than we can handle. When we think we are at the breaking point it’s not because it is too much, it’s because we don’t realize how strong we actually are. Even with everything that has been going on lately I still manage to get up in the morning and live my life the best way I know how. As long as I can do that I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me.
What really bothered me, though, was not the blow up itself, but the extended mood that seemed to stretch through the weekend and even tried to taint this week. There really was no reason for it. The issues that stressed me out last week were done and gone. Worrying over them, getting stressed out because of them, was doing nothing but ruining a perfectly good day. Last night I complained to my mom about how long this mood was hanging on and she said something very profound. She asked me “Well, Heather, what have you been telling yourself?”
What had I been telling myself? I’d been reminding myself of how mad I was at the situation, dredging up memories that only served to remind me of times when I felt worthless and invisible. Basically I spent the last three days telling myself to be down and reminding myself of all of the reasons why I should stay there.
Did it help?
No.
Did it solve anything?
No.
Did it make me feel any better?
No.
The words we use internally when we talk to ourselves can have just as much, if not more, of an impact on our self-confidence as the words others use. When my trainer, jokingly, tells me I am “a bit uncoordinated” it makes me laugh, but it also makes me that much more determined to change that problem. When I tell myself that I am a klutz it carries a lot more weight and can cause me to give up the fight. After all, who knows me better than me? If I think I am a klutz then I must really be one. Why bother fighting it?
So starting today I am going to try to be much more aware of the words I use when I talk to myself. I’m not going to call myself a “fat old lady” or berate myself when I trip over one of Fred’s toys in the night.
I am not going to call myself “stupid” when I get a less than perfect grade in class and I’m going to actually look at myself in the mirror and find the good things instead of seeing every little flaw. We all have flaws and there are plenty of people out there who are more than willing to point them out to us. I don’t need to do it to myself.
Lastly I am going to forgive myself when I’m not as fast or as strong as the rest of the girls in my exercise class. Maybe I can’t sprint the stairs like Hollie or do as many pushups as Brittany, but that doesn’t mean I should beat up on myself. It just means I have to try a little harder and get stronger at my own pace. As long as I don’t give up and believe in myself that is what ultimately counts.
People talk a lot around this time of year about finding Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men. Maybe we should all start with finding peace within ourselves and treating ourselves with kindness and respect.
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