This blog has really become about my growth internally as well as the external changes in my life. I took another step this weekend in this journey. It was a step that was really hard for me to take because it involved hurting another person.
Just seeing it written out like that gives me mixed feelings. I don’t like hurting people. In fact I usually will end up getting hurt myself rather than do something that is good for me but might cause others grief. But a good friend last night said it best. I have to stop being a doormat. If I am ever going to become the person I want to be I have to stop letting people walk all over me.
The person I hurt last night started out with the best of intentions. My work with him was a very positive thing that left me feeling good about the changes I was making. Recently, though, his life changed and those changes affected how he treated me. I tried to work through them; I tried to do whatever it took to make him happy, even though it didn’t feel good or right to me.
Those of you who have known me for a while can see my MO in this. This is the way I have always behaved. Look at two of the more serious relationships in my life and you’ll see the pattern. And that is exactly what I did this week that led me to make the choice I made. I did everything for Scott to help him overcome his problems and become a successful artist. That ended badly and I was the one who got hurt from it. I changed my entire lifestyle and adjusted my dreams to fit what Kevin wanted and needed. That ended the same way. I don’t blame those two for how things ended up, it was my choices that brought about the results.
Granted the relationship I ended this weekend was not on par with those two examples. I was not dating this man or even very close friends with him; but I cared for him and respected him and I saw the pattern beginning to repeat itself in me. I wanted to run a 10K race this weekend, but I couldn’t because I had adjusted my goals and my training routine to fit what he needed to further his career. I’ve been shifting my evening schedule around, inconveniencing my mother, and ignoring poor Fred so I could meet the schedule he wanted to set. I’ve let his behavior affect my emotions.
I’ve hurt myself to make him happy.
He didn’t appreciate or even recognize what was happening. I’m lucky I did in time. I hate that I hurt him. I’m really disappointed in how he reacted to it; but in the end I have to take care of myself and do what is right for me before I can help anyone else.
It’s taken me nearly 41 years to realize this, that my first priority should be me.
And that is not selfish, arrogant, rude, or irrational.
I know now that it is okay for me to do what is right for me. It’s okay for me to like myself even if others don’t. Its okay for me to remove negative aspects of my life so I can continue to grow in a positive way. Sometimes that means cutting people out of my life and they may be hurt by it because I am not doing what they want me to do for them. But those people shouldn’t matter. The only people I should worry about hurting are the ones who worry about hurting me. The only people I should care about are the ones who care about me.
The only people I should love are those who love me.
Easier said than done, but that is what I plan on doing from now on.
And it is okay!
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